• Kaveman Kara

5 Reasons People Lack Confidence & How Showing Up Sexy Can Change That

Updated: Aug 21

Sexy is a word most people misunderstand. We've been limiting it to solely describe how someone looks when sexy is a state of mind. A sexy person is a confident person. Sexiness means loving yourself, flaunting your confidence and wearing clothes that light you up.

Being beautiful means being unapologetically yourself. Being sexy means flaunting parts of your unapologetic self. Bear with me. I promise by the time you’re done reading this you’ll fully understand sexiness and how to raise your confidence.

The judgmental nature of the American culture has caused many to shy away from sexy. As a result, we've lost our confidence. We’re so busy thinking, “I don’t wanna be that person,” that we never actually figure out the person we are. Sexy is not a particular style or trend to conform to. Sexy is a way of life! And it’s all about confidence.

Today, I’m going to break down why I think confidence is rare and how to bring sexy back.

5 Reasons We Shy Away From Sexy & How to Revive Our Confidence

1. Expectations

Everyone expresses sexy differently because everyone is different. Yet we often feel obligated to meet one sexy standard. Most of us are afraid to embrace our own, unique sexy because of expectations from society.

One night I was out with a girlfriend who was dressed very differently than me. Simply put, she was wearing less and I was wearing more. She told me I looked like a nun and I was mortified.

I was wearing what made me feel sexy but it was very different than what made her feel sexy and perhaps what society thinks is sexy. Friends are supposed to encourage you to discover your authentic self. Sexy doesn't happen after one outfit from one night out. Being sexy means choosing confidence every day! The key to embracing sexy is getting to...

Know Yourself to Show Yourself!

This means you'll have to do some work and figure out who you are and how you want to appear to the world. But it's so worth it!

Societal expectations about appearance almost made Stasia Savasuk, founder of Stasia's Style School, quit style...

“I broke up with style when I was a teenager. In my experience clothes had one primary purpose. They were the barrier between me and any social group I wanted to fit into. I felt like there were these unwritten style rules that said what I was supposed to wear based on a set of cultural norms and expectations and in order to fit in I had to satisfy those rules.”

It wasn't until Stasia began nurturing her daughter's confidence, that she re-evaluated her closet and herself. And once she discovered what clothes boosted her daughter's confidence, she realized style is about soul. (we'll get to that later)

Drop Expectations and Invite Preparations!

You wouldn't show up to class or work unprepared, so don't show up for sexy unprepared. Take the time to get to know your best self and show up as that person every day. If you make a daily effort to embrace a style that reflects your soul, your sexy will soar and your confidence will kill!

2. Assumptions

Assumptions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink. People will always assume things about you based on your appearance. If we wear very little clothes, we’re a tool or a slut. If we wear too much clothes we’re a nun or a prude. If we smile a lot then we’re flirting. If we don’t smile enough then we’re grouches.

Remember when you assume you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” (had to throw this in)

It’s lame to assume things about others and it's even worse to make fun of people for being confident.

Those who spend time assuming are usually insecure themselves. The more time they spend judging you, the less time they spend discovering their own sexy.

You cannot control what others think of you but you can control how you think of yourself. You can’t control assumptions from assholes but you can control how you react.

Keep your chin up, HIGH. Wear that outfit, do that makeup tutorial, shave your beard, wear the muscle tee. Do whatever speaks to your sexy soul and makes your confidence soar. Don’t worry about the common, “Why are you trying so hard,” from the haters. Anything that you want to accomplish in life will take work. So why wouldn't you put that effort into finding your best, sexy self?

You have one life to wear a crown of confidence and dress your sexy soul.

3. Uncertainty

Before we can boldly step into sexy, we must embrace our beauty. Who we truly are is what makes us beautiful. But we must know ourselves in order to be ourselves. The issue is most of us don’t take the time to get to know ourselves. So our uncertainty about who we are leads us to doubting our beauty and replicating someone else’s sexy.

For years, Stasia conformed to social norms and dressed her daughter in girls clothes. Stasia thought it'd breed confidence, but it invited unhappiness. When her daughter began wearing boys clothes, she finally discovered a certainty about who she was.

“She could run faster and jump higher when she was wearing clothes on the outside that matched who she was on the inside, “ says Stasia. And that's when you know you've found yourself and solidified sexy!

Stealing someone else’s sexiness is like wearing someone else’s clothes. They may fit but you’ll feel uncomfortable. A lack of confidence begins with an uncertainty about who you really are.

Uncertainty will derail your confidence and shut down sexy.

Take the time to figure out who you are and what makes you feel sexy. Take a break from social networks that tell you what is sexy & find out what you think is sexy. “As you get to know yourself better, you should see your overall well-being increase in response,” says writer Katherine Hurst. When you look good, you feel good.

If you’re ready to seek yourself, read of Katherine’s full article below!


Because knowing yourself is loving yourself.

4. Others

Sometimes we dress up for others and believe it or not, sometimes we dress down for them. Both are very bad choices. Let's explore why...

After years of feeling insecure, my friend dropped a ton of weight and put on muscle. When I asked him why he doesn't show off his progress he said he didn't want to be “that guy.” He wouldn't wear muscle tees at the gym because he feared it would make others feel less confident. There are guys that have not reached their fitness goals yet and he worried his progress would make them insecure.

Many of us suppress our sexy because we don’t want to make others feel less sexy.

You don't have to dim your light so others can shine. The room is brighter when everyone glows!

The idea is to inspire confidence in others with your confidence. According to Kyle Ingham, “When your friends and colleagues see how confident and put-together you look, it gives them a (positive) kick in the pants to up their game.” For any men shying away from sexy, check out the full article HERE!


Bringing other people down won’t make you feel better and dressing down won’t make other people feel better.

The recent quarantine has left many of us working from home in our pjs. It's ok to indulge in casual clothes that you're usually deprived of but do not allow causal to turn into unclean.

"Why would we want to feel any worse than we already do in this time? Not showering, and roaming aimlessly from room to room in sweat pants and bad hair cannot be good," says creator of Fiercely 50ish Susan Cox.

The reason we dress professionally for work is because it's required. But shouldn't self love and dressing for yourself be required?

"Why do we feel that we should only feel and look our best when we have an audience? Why do we dress down for ourselves? Aren’t we important enough to get up everyday and feel confident in what we wear?" Susan Cox asks the important questions. Here's my answer...

You are enough of a reason to dress sexy every day, quarantine or not. Just as your business clothes make you feel productive, a sexy style will make you feel confident!

5. Sex

You can’t have sexy without sex. Or can you?...

When I was studying abroad in England, I had a professor who used "sexy" to describe our paperwork. Believe me, no one was thinking about sex for five page papers. What she meant by "sexy" was "edgy and engaging."

American media sexualizes everything from children to what an actress is wearing when she grocery shops. Because sex sells. But when everything becomes about sex,

we start showing up as who we want others to see and not who we want ourselves to be.

Suddenly it becomes about attracting a partner instead of attracting our best selves. Sexy is about the way you express yourself based on your soul. Being sexy is about reclaiming confidence. It’s about...

Seeing Yourself and Being Yourself!

Though I will admit, when you own your confidence and let the sexy flag fly, jaws will drop.

Now that you know what it means to be sexy and why you may be shying away from it, it's time to get out there and...

Show Up for your Glow Up

I'll leave you with the words of 19th Century psychologist William James,

"The body is the innermost part of the material Self in each of us; and certain parts of the body seem more intimately ours than the rest. The clothes come next."





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